Building community starts with you
The world is lonelier now than it has ever been before. It’s an international epidemic, as people are literally dying from isolation. And while the solution, building community, is easy to talk about, the practice is not.
One of the hardest things about building community is negotiating our own ways of relating to others—which is actually a way of saying how you relate to yourself.
We have social anxiety. We think that people don’t like us. We don’t know how to take up space and say what we really think. We don’t know how to tell others in a caring and kind way that we disagree with them or don’t like how they are acting. We are bad at hearing such feedback and think that everyone hates us.
We are bad at drawing boundaries, both with others and ourselves. We don’t know how to ask for help. We judge others for being too needy when they ask for help. We help too much, deplete ourselves, then become resentful.
We believe in just cutting everyone off who rubs us the wrong way because everyone who rubs us the wrong way must be toxic. We think that everyone who has different politics than us is misguided, ignorant, or even evil—therefore we will only associate with people who have identical beliefs to ours. We think everything is a trigger when sometimes it’s just stress (normal, everyday stress that everyone goes through).
We are so busy with our jobs and kids and don’t even sleep, how is there time for friendship let alone community? We think that community is a waste of time because we are trying to get ahead on our careers. We think that our nuclear family is all we need.
We know that scrolling and commenting on people’s posts is not connection, but we’re too complacent to do something about it. We were raised without community (maybe our parents worked all the time and we were babysat by the TV) so we don’t even know what we’re missing. We were suffocated by a judgmental and strict community when we were young, and we just feel better when we’re not in groups now.
We are each the main character of our movies, who the hell are all of you?
The practice of being with people is not easy. Particularly in the beginning, you have to be willing to put a lot in and expect a lot less. Every time you feel uncomfortable, you will have to do the work of sorting through whether it’s trauma or your own fragility. When you’re upset with someone, you will have to overcome your fear of conflict, practice somatic techniques to process your anger, and use non-violent communication so you can express yourself without losing your shit. And if that fails and you do lose your shit, be compassionate towards yourself as a shit-loser instead of stewing in self-hatred. You have to be okay with the fact that community, like longterm relationships or running a business, will not always feel good. There are complicated dynamics and multiple conversations that might not go anywhere.
But it’s worth it. Let me emphasize: we need people. We need them. There is a soft creature that lives in each of us that needs to feel loved and cared for. And we need a lot of help. How great it would be to have someone to watch our kids for a couple hours as we deal with an emergency or just take a walk by ourselves. We need recommendations for doctors who are good listeners, tax accountants who will go the extra mile and give you advice, and hairdressers who leave you glowing as opposed to despondent. We need people to tell us about jobs and housing. And you’re not needy for needing things—we all need the same things.
And more than needing things, we have a lot to give as well. We have so much love and care to share. We could pool resources and extend them to those who need them more, especially those who might not have our life experience.
No one is an island.
If you want to work together on any of this, please reach out. About me: immigrant, Stanford grad, ex-Silicon Valley, and happy expat living in Berlin. I help marginalized folks define and create their own success.